PTSD is a horrible burden, not just for the sufferer, but also for everyone who loves or lives with that person.
If the PTSD sufferer does not understand why they are feeling or behaving the way they are, how can their family or friends?
So, we are here to help the partners, children and parents of PTSD sufferers understand PTSD too – because it is only through understanding that it is survivable.
PTSD is a subconscious injury which creates subconscious mechanisms in a person’s mind and body.
One of those subconscious mechanisms is called ‘executive control.’ This means that there is an angry, hurt, sad part of a person, deep down inside, which has the ability to get hold of all the dials and levers inside of them sometimes, and surge up, and take control of a person’s thoughts, words and actions.
Someone might suddenly start shouting or throwing things, or acting completely out of character, even violently, for apparently no reason. But it won’t be NO reason. There will have been a trigger – a word spoken, a person seen, a song, even a colour – that has sent that part reaching for those controls and turning them right up.
That control might be so all encompassing, but come totally from out of the blue. The PTSD sufferer may not even remember what they did! Really! That might seem unbelievable, but even the medical profession acknowledges a condition called ‘black out rage’ where someone can become so angry it eliminates their memory of it.
Perhaps that part has control of that too, and doesn’t WANT the person to remember. It just wants to vent – anyway, anyhow – and then retreat back inside, without blame.
The poor PTSD sufferer can often be as confused as their shocked, frightened, upset family and friends.
The most important thing to understand, as someone who loves someone with PTSD, is that there are two – at least two – of your loved one. There is the one you fell in love with, the one who raised you, the one you raised, who you felt so close to, thought you knew completely. That one is still there, and as desperate to return, as you are for that person to return. However, there is another one that has experienced something awful – a traumatic event or events – which has rocked them to their core. It might be recent – or it might be a long time ago, even back to childhood, and your PTSD sufferer may not even have a conscious memory of what happened, but their body does.
When they say, ‘”I don’t know why I shouted,” “I don’t know why I was angry at you,” you can believe it! They truly don’t.
They are shattering their own life – your life – with no idea why. They are stuck.
When the family and friends of a PTSD sufferer tries to help – by cajoling them to be nicer, telling them to manage their anger, trying to make them go out in the face of crippling anxiety or agoraphobia – that part inside the body starts to get angry at those friends and family too. Which just makes matters even worse.
The far better thing to do, if you love someone with PTSD, is to appreciate there are two people there, both in huge need, and to treat them differently, but with equal care.
When the person is acting normally, being the person you love, you can love them in return. When the person is acting in a way you find incomprehensible, be sympathetic, even if the anger or hurt is directed at you, and it does not appear rational. Tell yourself there is a reason for it, even if the reason is not immediately obvious, and be as kind as you can and give the person space until they get back control of those levers and switches. And don’t blame.
It’s not easy to do. I know. I have been there. But just understanding what might be going on inside can hugely help. Understanding that PTSD is a hostage-taking, and that you have a role in that hostage negotiation, can help both of you. You are a hostage as much as they are!!
Help is available. Hypnotherapy facilitates the necessary negotiation and can free both of you, all of you.
The part inside needs understanding, validation, and help. CatchPTSD hypnotherapy does that.
CATCH 